THE TROUBLE WITH PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY OWN THE ROOM
On money, manners, and the freedom to disagree
Give some people a little money, a title, or a microphone, and before long they begin to believe i disagree with you they have been appointed supervisors of the human race.
Not everyone. Some people handle success beautifully. They become more generous, more secure, and less interested in telling the neighbors what to do.
Others begin issuing instructions.
They have opinions about your clothes, your vocabulary, your politics, and the proper way to express yourself at a barbecue.
They do not merely want a seat at the table.
They want to approve the conversation.
Money Does Not Make You Everybody’s Supervisor
A person makes some money. Good for them.
Let them buy a comfortable house, a good chair, and a fishing boat that starts on the first try. Let them pay their debts and enjoy supper without worrying about the price of the steak.
But financial success does not confer universal wisdom.
A person can build a profitable business and still be a terrible listener. They can negotiate an impressive contract and have no idea how to apologize. They can own three houses and remain an obnoxious guest in somebody else’s.
Accomplishment deserves recognition.
It does not give anyone ownership of another person’s judgment.
I can admire your work without adopting your politics. I can respect your experience without accepting every conclusion you draw from it.
I would rather hear your argument than your résumé.
If the argument is good, it can stand on its own feet. It should not need a copyright to carry it into the room.
The same applies to me. Whatever I accomplish, I hope it never leaves me so impressed with myself that I become impossible to have lunch with.
A Request Is Not a Royal Decree
I have no objection to someone saying, “I prefer this expression.”
Tell me why. Explain what it means to you. Give me an opportunity to understand.
I am capable of hearing a request without treating it as an assault on my independence.
But consideration is not the same as unquestioning obedience.
You can ask me to change my wording. I can ask why. You can explain your reasoning, and I can explain mine.
Neither of us should have to pass a character examination before the discussion begins.
If I say something inaccurate, show me where. If I misunderstand you, correct me. If I have been needlessly insulting, I should hear that, too.
But do not confuse my willingness to listen with a promise to agree.
You can persuade me.
You cannot reasonably demand that I arrive persuaded.
Manners Must Travel in Both Directions
The principle is reciprocity.
If I expect you to listen, I should listen.
If I want room to question your assumptions, I must leave room for you to question mine.
Otherwise, I am not defending freedom. I am merely asking for a better deal for myself.
And there are already enough people doing that.
I do not want an arrangement in which one person’s discomfort settles every question while another person’s discomfort is dismissed as evidence that they need further instruction.
Nor do I want the arrangement reversed.
We can take each other seriously without treating every preference as a command.
We can disagree without immediately deciding that somebody in the room must be a defective human being.
Sometimes the disagreement concerns an important principle.
Sometimes it concerns a greeting.
We ought to be able to tell the difference.
When the Meeting Becomes the Mission
Consider the meeting that begins with a worthy purpose and gradually disappears beneath its own instructions.
First, someone explains who may speak.
Then someone requests clarification.
Then someone objects to the clarification.
Then the chair explains how to object without interrupting the explanation.
By the time the procedure is settled, the original problem has gone home and made dinner.
There is good comedy in that.
But the target of the joke matters.
There is nothing ridiculous about someone needing less noise, a quiet room, or another practical accommodation. People should not have to overcome unnecessary barriers simply to participate.
You can respect those needs and still ask whether the arrangements are being handled effectively.
Laugh at the tangled procedure, not the person who needs help.
A chairperson can keep an agenda without owning everyone’s conclusions. A gathering can have reasonable rules without making those rules immune to discussion.
Explain the arrangements clearly. Allow sensible questions. Then get to work.
Rules should help the meeting accomplish its purpose.
They should not become its purpose.
copyright Should Open a Conversation
Language deserves care.
So do the people using it.
If you prefer a different greeting or expression, explain why. If someone uses familiar wording, leave room for the possibility that they are speaking out of habit rather than hostility.
Not every awkward sentence is a declaration of war.
Not every question conceals an insult.
And not every person who disagrees with your preferred wording has failed to understand you.
They may understand perfectly and remain unconvinced.
That possibility should not bring the ceiling down.
Ask what someone means before deciding what their copyright reveal about their entire character. Then extend the same patience you would appreciate when your own sentence comes out badly.
Most of us have said something clumsy.
Some of us have done it before breakfast.
Persuasion Is Not Obedience
I do not object to persuasion.
Make your case. Offer your reasons. Challenge mine.
I am not asking to be protected from rebuttal, criticism, or the ordinary discomfort of discovering that someone thinks I am wrong.
But if your argument depends on me being afraid to disagree, the argument needs work.
You have not necessarily earned agreement.
You may simply have made disagreement expensive.
There is a difference between answering an objection and using your position to prevent it from being raised.
A powerful person should be especially careful here. When people depend on your approval, their silence may not mean they share your convictions.
Before congratulating yourself on the agreement in the room, notice whether anyone can safely say no.
And if you claim to value independent minds, do not become furious the first time one operates independently of you.
You Do Not Have to Win Dinner
There is a particular kind of person who cannot let a conversation end without securing a victory.
You say the coffee is too strong.
They explain coffee cultivation.
You suggest another restaurant.
They question your understanding of food.
You say you are tired and would like to go home.
Unfortunately, they have prepared closing remarks.
These people do not simply enjoy company. They appear determined to improve it.
I hope not to become one of them.
There is little satisfaction in winning an argument with a friend if you make the friend dread the next invitation.
Sometimes one person is right.
Sometimes both have missed something.
And sometimes the coffee really is too strong.
Drink something else.
Leave Room for an Honest No
A respectful no should be allowed to remain a no.
“No, I do not agree.”
“No, I have considered it, and I still see it differently.”
“No, that is not how I intend to live.”
Those statements do not have to become declarations of war.
I would rather hear an honest disagreement than receive an enthusiastic answer from someone who is merely trying to escape the conversation.
But independence brings responsibilities, too.
I cannot demand unlimited speaking time. I cannot mistake every boundary for censorship. And I cannot insist that others hear me while refusing to hear their response.
I can speak plainly, accept a challenge, and decide when the discussion has reached its useful end.
So can you.
Neither of us needs to hold the other captive until someone gives in.
Leave the Crown at Home
Here is the arrangement I want.
You can be successful without becoming controlling.
You can have strong convictions without treating disagreement as disrespect.
You can ask for consideration without demanding surrender.
And you can change your mind without losing your dignity.
I will try to offer the same.
I do not need to manage your life. I have enough work keeping my own in order.
Tell me what you believe. I will tell you what I believe. Perhaps we will find common ground. Perhaps one of us will learn something. Perhaps we will discover that we see the world very differently.
We are not required to become identical people to share the same room.
So bring your opinions. Bring your questions. Bring your experience.
But leave the crown at home.
Freedom means very little if it belongs only to the person holding the microphone.
Now, pull up a chair.
Say what you mean. Listen to what I say.
And for heaven’s sake, let somebody order lunch.
Roy Dawson
Love, Earth Angel, Master Magical Healer, Singer, Songwriter, Poet, Prophet